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Inner Sad Girl (lofi remix)

by shinkawasaki

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about

Originally written, recorded for Nikkei Music Reclamation Project and included on "NMRP," this is an apology letter to my mother, Mikako.

She’s been dealt a tough hand in the last few decades, and as much as I’ve tried to listen to her my whole life, I might’ve failed to make her feel like she’s really heard, with the biggest hurdle being that I’m not there physically. The lockdown of 2022 was another reminder of the distance, and of the fact that I’ve grown too comfortable with it. I’ve been trying to visit as often as I can since I got 2nd vaxxed, and while she seems to be doing okay, my stay is never long enough.

The picture for this release was taken in Oyashirazu Beach on Toyama/Niigata border, where I nearly drowned as a child.

The name translates as "Neither the parent nor the child knows" and there are various theories as to how it came about. One version has it that the wife and her child were traveling from Kyoto looking for the husband who was captured in a battle in Niigata, but as the they walked along the cliff the child was taken by the tide unbeknownst to the mother who couldn't even look behind her.

Stories like this are a dime a dozen all over the country, but when you see the terrain, or if there's something on your mind, it hits you differently.

on Youtube: youtu.be/L7BWET3Fyj4

lyrics

My inner sad girl
I can't blame you for your fallacy
Your melancholy, dramedy
Naiveté, gullibility
You're an innocent girl
I can't shame you for (your) self-pity
My worst enemy, refugee
And the village that raised me

I can't listen to you no more
Same ol' tales from years ago
Spending hours on that moldy couch
Taping reruns of ancient shows
Inner sad girl, I'm not selling you modernity
But it feels like it's been eternity
Since we had the sense of sanity

You couldn't be what I want you to be
Neither could I be what you want.
And it hurts to face the mirror,
That's what both of us know
And I know you'll never be free
Cause I can never give you what you want
When you gave me everything you had
I couldn't bear my likely absence when you go

And I left you all alone
With so much pain piled at home
You were brave enough to let me go
To all the places I got to roam
Inner sad girl,
I know you wanted more from life
And by more you meant a simple life
As just a mother and a housewife

You couldn't be what you wanted to be
Neither could I be what I want.
And it hurts to look at photos
That's what both of us know
And I know you'll never be free
Cause you can never have back what you lost
When you gave him everything you had
I wish for nothing more than his presence
When you go

credits

released July 21, 2023
Sara Sithi-Amnuai: Flugelhorn
Ryoji Hata: Mastering

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shinkawasaki Los Angeles, California

Interpreter of sound, language and culture. Supporting 2024 Northern Japan Earthquake Fund thru proceeds.

音と言語と文化の通翻訳者。Bandcamp上の収益の全てを令和6年能登半島地震緊急支援基金に寄付しています。

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